Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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