Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
