the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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