She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
