I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize