the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
