She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
