i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
