so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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