dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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