He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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