He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
