dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
