I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
