When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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