You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
