At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Randomize
