my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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