why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
