I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
