That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
