Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
