im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Randomize
