I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
