Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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