I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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