I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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