So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
