just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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