Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize
