I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
