Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
