so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
