he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
