I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
