my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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