mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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