I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
How external is "for external use only"?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
