Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
