nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize