Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
