Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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