2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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