quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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