Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
