Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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