She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
