please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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