Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
