you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
