I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
