I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
