So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
