I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
