you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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