i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
she peed on how many people?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
