so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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